I have been toying with the idea of quitting my job. There are several different reasons why.
I’m drained emotionally working with a narcissist. It’s really taking a toll on me and I dread coming into work everyday.
I have several writing projects that I can’t find time for right now. If I’m not working, I’m with the kiddos. If I’m not with the kiddos, I’m working.
My mother left a voice memo on her phone to my brothers and I. In my message, she told me to not take shit from anyone. My mind keeps going back to that. I also feel a sense of joy when I think about leaving.
The loss of my mother is the hardest loss in my life to date. I’m still struggling with how to cope with it. Today is Mother’s Day and I wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to spend my day sobbing. At about 8:30 this morning I decided to change directions. I got up and mowed the yard. I then started laundry, which if you know me you know I hate laundry and I avoid it at all cost. I then started the immense task of cleaning my house. My house is usually clean and in good order, but since my mother got sick, I have not had time or desire to keep everything picked up. I will then go to the store, get lunch with my kiddo, and just keep going with my day.
I did this because I need my mother to be proud of me. As a child, I never questioned the love I felt from her. As a teenager, I knew I was loved but she and I were enemies. If she said up, I said down and would stomp off while doing so. As an adult with kiddos of my own, she was my rock, my anchor, and my role model.
With my anchor no longer here, I am nothing short of terrified. And sad. And angry. And so many other feelings. So many of those feelings lead to self-destruction. But she would never want to be used as the excuse for me to wallow in self-pity.
I need her to see me carrying on and getting things done. I need her to see me survive, thrive, and create a happy life for me and my kiddos. That was her last request, and I need to do the best I can. Life will happen. Sometimes it’s amazing and wonderful, and sometimes it is heartbreaking. I am sad beyond words, and I am grieving, but I also want to continue to make my mother proud.
I began a journey through the grief process on April 20, 2022, at about 9:40 pm. I was walking down the hall of level 2 at Memorial Hospital in Chattanooga, TN. I was coming to the elevator with a column in front of it. This column has a painting of two red birds sitting peacefully in a nest. I looked up from my feet and realized that sooner rather than later, I would be making this walk after losing my mother. In less than 24 hours, I was proven correct.
Grief is something that I, like almost everyone I would assume, has encountered during some time throughout life. The worst grief to this point I remember feeling was the three losses I had 20 years ago. My mother’s parents and my uncle passed away in 2022 in about the span of 9 months. I was in my early twenties and I will be completely honest, it was all a blur.
In my 40’s, I am forced to face everything head on. I am no longer numb to the feelings experienced throughout the grief process. I have little ones (that aren’t so little) that are looking to me to learn how to grief. I have pressures and responsibilities of not only my life, but now wrapping up the live of another.
And the person I lost was not just someone I loved. This is someone I love, admire, and seek to make proud. This is someone who overcame obstacles and showed me that anything is possible with hard work and determination. She overcame so much but achieved so much more. She is truly my definition of success.
Throughout this blog series, I will discuss the shock, the grief, and what thriving in the face of devastation looks like. Big words for someone that is less than 72 hours separated from an amazing loss, but my mother asked me to have a great life, to be happy, and to do great things in my life. I will mom.