I need her to be proud of me

The loss of my mother is the hardest loss in my life to date. I’m still struggling with how to cope with it. Today is Mother’s Day and I wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to spend my day sobbing. At about 8:30 this morning I decided to change directions. I got up and mowed the yard. I then started laundry, which if you know me you know I hate laundry and I avoid it at all cost. I then started the immense task of cleaning my house. My house is usually clean and in good order, but since my mother got sick, I have not had time or desire to keep everything picked up. I will then go to the store, get lunch with my kiddo, and just keep going with my day.

I did this because I need my mother to be proud of me. As a child, I never questioned the love I felt from her. As a teenager, I knew I was loved but she and I were enemies. If she said up, I said down and would stomp off while doing so. As an adult with kiddos of my own, she was my rock, my anchor, and my role model.

With my anchor no longer here, I am nothing short of terrified. And sad. And angry. And so many other feelings. So many of those feelings lead to self-destruction. But she would never want to be used as the excuse for me to wallow in self-pity.

I need her to see me carrying on and getting things done. I need her to see me survive, thrive, and create a happy life for me and my kiddos. That was her last request, and I need to do the best I can. Life will happen. Sometimes it’s amazing and wonderful, and sometimes it is heartbreaking. I am sad beyond words, and I am grieving, but I also want to continue to make my mother proud.

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