Setbacks and Coping #coping #dumped #itsgoingtobeok

Boy I wish I could write about a subject without experiencing it because frankly this one felt like a kick in the teeth.

I was dumped. Yes, I am 38, almost 39 and I was dumped. I kind of made me feel young. Looking back, I know the warning signs were there, but in my lovestruck haze, I could not see them for what they were. Looking back, sure, you can see lots of things clearly. I could sit and analyze them until the cows come home, but that won’t do any good at this point. I wouldn’t be able to use that information in the next relationship because again, in the blissful haze, one cannot see the warning signs even if you hit them over the head with them. Here is what I’m doing to survive.

  1. Be sad. So often, we try to avoid emotions, especially sadness. I took time to sit quietly and experience that sadness. It came with a lot of tears and a lot of used tissues. I did not die from the sadness. Sure it hurt, and it’s lingering, but it’s getting better.
  2. Look at things realistically. He wasn’t Prince Charming riding in on our horse. He is someone that I met Bumble. His profile did say he wanted kids, but in the end, that is why he dumped me. He didn’t want to continue on with someone that has kids. He and I would go out to dinner and enjoy each others company. He didn’t show interest in getting to know me (red flag I missed).
  3. Don’t carry his bag of crap around with me. That expression is from the old counseling days. My colleagues and I would tell our clients that everyone in life takes a crap in a bag. Gross image, but stay with me. In our bag is our stuff, anxiety, depression, fear, abandonment issues, etc… Our bag is tough enough to carry already. Do you will want to be responsible for carrying someone else’s bag O’ shit? He has issues with kids. That’s HIS issue. My kids are wonderful and amazing and that fact that he doesn’t want to be saddled with them is on him and not me. FYI, I wasn’t anywhere near the point of introducing my kiddos to him.
  4. Don’t trash him. Let’s take the high road shall we. The view is nicer from here. It will do no good for anyone. Yes, you may feel momentary joy, even down right giddiness, but that won’t last. I personally don’t take pleasure in causing someone else pain. With is job in the public, that would only hurt him and his career. And let’s face it, he broke up with me. That’s it. He didn’t kill my dog. I will leave him be and treatment with respect.
  5. Don’t turn to the booze, find a healthy outlet. I enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while, but I know me. One is ok, two is better, three is going to lead to four. After that, things get fuzzy. I asked myself what I have not had time for when I was going out with the dude. Running. I decided to get back to it and ran about three miles the day after the break-up. Find what you set aside and get back at it.

***FYI: If you do stalk your break-up online, BE CAREFUL!!! Make sure you don’t hit the like button my mistake. Enjoy!

Solo Lunch 3/27/2019

red eat neon sign turned on
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

Hello everyone. It’s that time again. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the first actual date with the guy I met on Bumble. I am still not used to saying that. I am working on questions to ask during dinner to keep the conversation going and to learn more about my gentleman friend. Here are some of the questions (and rationale behind them).

What do your Saturdays look like? – Saturdays are is downtime and the answer to this question will help me determine whether he is an extrovert or an introvert.  Does he bounce from party to party with a large group of friends, or does he have a small group of close friends that dominates his time. Is he active, or is he a bump on  a log.

What makes you laugh? – Humor is something that is very important to me. It’s one of my biggest survival skills. A good since of humor is of the utmost importance for me when it comes to connecting with someone. For me, laughter and a good sense of humor is more important than physical appearance.

What is one of your passions in life? – We have a major red flag waving in the air if he can’t identify a passion that he has. I see the lack of something that he is passionate about as an imbalance in external/internal focus. If there is nothing he is able to identify as something that he is passionate about, is all that time and attention focused on himself? Again, this is a major red flag for me and requires more attention than I am prepared to give to a new relationship at this time.

Do you have a special place you like to visit? – Finding out his “Wa Space”gives excellent insight into what makes him happy. Does he love the beach? The mountains? The city? Also, when you ask someone to recall a special place, those feelings of happiness are experienced during that recall.

What is the best/first concert you attended? – Everyone has a great concert story. This is an excellent way to keep the conversation lively and to get an insight into what type of music he likes. Usually, you attend your first concerts when you were younger and now, you have some information about his childhood.

Until next time …

Surviving vs. Thriving

I was supposed to have had a date this Saturday night with the new guy. Supposed to being the important words in that last statement. He fell ill, and did not want to get me sick, so he called it off.

Now, even in my old age, my ego is fragile. The slightest hiccup in the road, and my negative self-talk gets on the bullhorn and shouts from the mountain.

shouting

Now, staying depressed is my go to in situations like this. I made other decisions though that moved me from survivor to someone who is thriving.

Surviving is crying in bed (check), spending too much money as a means of retail therapy (check), and lashing out at others (check).

Thriving is crushing 4 miles (running) for the first time in several years, being the loud mom at that baseball game. Thriving is telling the negative self-talk to shut the hell up. Thriving involves tacos and a margarita at the end of the night.

margarita

Even when you hit a setback, make the decision to overcome, kick ass, and take names.

Oh, and he was genuinely sick and we have a date scheduled for this week.

Until next time …

Infatuation

I’m in it. I think. I’m not 100%, but damn it feels like it. It feels as though I am in the thick of attraction/infatuation. Here is an article on the different types of love and attraction and the biology behind it.
http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/Default.aspx?id=39351
Here are some survival skills for when you are in the infatuation stage of love:

stack of love wooden blocks
Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

1. Know it. Take the blinders off sweetheart. Know that you are feeling the nature high of love. There, I said it. I am high … on the feeling of love, or at least infatuation. To paraphrase an army theme action figure once said, fifty percent of the war is being aware.

2. Don’t make any major decisions. This one is very important. Yes you feel good. Yes you feel happy and there are bluebird’s singing. Great, just don’t get his name tattooed on your butt. Don’t be a cosigner on a car for her if you are in this stage. Marriage, babies, moving in together, etc… NOPE! Just ride this high out. Trust me, you will level out and become sane again. Trust me, if you make those rash decisions, you will wake up and realize you tattooed an idiot’s name on your body forever.

3. Don’t change the relationship. Usually, Infatuation occurs early in the relationship. Don’t go from casually seeing each other to dating. Don’t go from dating to engaged, etc… Don’t rush this feeling. Enjoy it. Giggle and blush. When you rush the relationship due to infatuation, you run the risk of missing out on so much fun.

4. Don’t make up cute nicknames for each other. That is gross no matter what stage of a relationship you are in. Just say no to looking like idiots.

5. Find those moments that can bring you back to infatuation. If the relationship continues to grow, there will be times of tension. During those times, it would do you well to be able to sit quietly, and draw on a memory from the infatuation stage. You need to stay grounded in reality, but there is value in the times when you giggled like a school girl when you thought about him.

affection afterglow backlit blur
Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

I am currently in the infatuation stage. We have gone out once and we text daily. I feel a smile comes across my face when I hear my phone bing with a text from him. I felt high when I was held in his arms. I felt high and … comfortable. It’s an amazing experience that I have not had in many years. For the past few years, I have felt that my marriage failed because of me. Something that I am is so inherently wrong, that I was not wanted.
I am grateful to have taken time to really learn abut myself. This has helped me develop my handy guide to infatuation in the hopes that I will not fall into that trap again.

Good night.

Solo Lunch 3/18/2019

How things have changed for me in one week…
Last Monday, I was not solo for lunch. I went lunch with a good friend. She insisted on me downloading the Bumble app.

bee
Reluctantly I did. I went through an swiped this way and that way for about a day. I had several matches and started a couple of conversations. Those conversations didn’t go anywhere. I matched with someone and we seemed to hit it off.
Our messages went from Bumble and moved on to texting directly. This was terrifying, but I decided to take that leap. Friday night he called. With my anxiety at DEFCON 1, I decided to take the call.
As an introvert, I am amazing at texting. I am funny, witty, and the words just seem to flow. I am same at letter writing. It’s just too bad that is now a lost art. When the phone of an introvert rings, panic strikes hard. For me, its the same type of panic felt when you see blue lights in the rearview mirror while driving down the road in a stolen car. I assume, I don’t know this from first hand knowledge. I’m just guessing.

Shy

 

I don’t know what came over me. I grabbed my phone and answered the call. We spoke about different stuff for 19 minutes. I checked the time on my phone. To my surprise, I was able to keep the conversation moving and … I enjoyed it. It felt easy. Conversations never feel this easy for me, but this one did. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was the infatuation that was coursing through my body. Maybe it was the sound of his voice (he has an amazing voice).
Plans were made for next weekend. Great, a whole week to agonize over every single detail. Well, things happen the way they need to in life. Things shifted in my schedule and his schedule and we were able to meet up yesterday.
I went from a week to agonize to just 12 hours. I was now forced to do something that I have trouble doing. I would just have to do my best, and accept it.

Wow, a first date and self growth!!!

achievement activity adolescent arms
Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom on Pexels.com

He and I met and had an amazing time. Please don’t take this to mean that I will always be able to accept myself  and that I will be OK with myself, but this is a step in the right direction.

To be continued …